Parental Alienation: What is it and how can it be prevented?

Whilst many of us might feel, especially during our teenage years, that our parents are some sort of alien species, the concept of parental alienation is actually quite different.

This article will look at defining parental alienation, the forms that this alienation can take, as well as some tips for reducing the effects of the manipulation on a child.

Note: This article uses ‘parent’ and ‘other parent’ to describe the guardians responsible for a child, but the content refers to any person with parental responsibility. This might be biological and adoptive parents, court-appointed guardians or any other family members.

What is parental alienation?

Parental alienation is where a child begins to reject a parent who they previously had a good relationship with. It can, at first, seem as if there is no tangible reason as to why the child is withdrawing from the alienated parent. Whether intentionally or not, parental alienation happens when one parent actively manipulates the child to turn against the other parent.

Behaviours that can be used by a parent to alienate the other parent can include:

• Constant negative comments
• Praising children if they disrespect or act defiantly towards the other parent
• Blaming the other parent for their own problems
• Inability to think objectively about the best interests of their child
• Manipulating a child into acting in their own interests, such as ‘spying’ on the other parent
• Encouraging unwavering support for themselves, to the possible detriment of the other parent
• Creating false situations to create a belief that the other parent is dangerous or untrustworthy
• Isolating the child from the parent or other relatives and friends on that side of the family
• Denying the child’s emotional responses, such as discouraging the child if they miss the other parent

If there is actually a good reason for the child to withdraw from a parent, such as a parent’s unsafe actions or behaviours towards the child, this is different. See child arrangement orders for more information, and in the first instance, get in touch with a reputable child law solicitor.

Signs of parental alienation

A child might begin to exhibit several of the following signs of parental alienation:

• Unfair criticism of the targeted parent on a regular or constant basis
• Inability to explain their reasons for the rejection of the targeted parent; the child might be unable to think of specific examples or provide reasons that the other parent has taught them
• Lack of ambivalence – the child might not see the alienated parent as a mix of good and bad; they might see them as entirely bad. The child might also view the other parent as entirely good
• No remorse for treating the targeted parent badly – this might also include not realising that what they are doing is hurtful (as it may have been deemed acceptable by the other parent, directly or indirectly)
• Use of adult vocabulary or learnt phrases and reasoning – the child might use what appear to be adult vocabulary or phrases but struggle to put why they are acting a certain way into their own words
• The child believes their views are entirely their own – this is referred to as the "independent thinker" phenomenon. The child will believe the negative views they hold towards one parent are entirely their own
• Negative feelings toward the alienated parent can expand to include other family members – this might include grandparents or cousins on the alienated side of the family

How to prevent, or at least reduce, the effects of parental alienation

If you find that your child has pulled away from you, or is exhibiting behaviour that you suspect is a result of parental alienation, there are some ways in which you can, if not prevent it from happening entirely, reduce the long-term effects.

Some ways in which you could reduce the effects of parental alienation could include:

1. Be aware of the signs of parental alienation

Being aware of the signs of parental alienation (see above list) can help you counteract any negative messages they are receiving about you. Even if you are not the parent with primary care responsibilities, it is still important to be consistent and reliable.

Whilst it may seem that the child really believes what they’re saying about you, or that they do not wish to see you, they will still feel let down if you cancel visiting times or don’t make good your promises to see them.

Familiarise yourself with the signs of parental alienation, and make sure you are actively aiming to frustrate attempts at alienation.

2. Keep a record of concerning behaviours, with dates and times

Parental alienation has never been recognised as a medical condition or a syndrome. This can be problematic if parental alienation is suggested to the courts as part of custody considerations, including as part of child arrangement orders.

As such, keeping a detailed record of events can help to build a more accurate and detailed picture of what is going on if your solicitor thinks building a timeline is a good idea. See the list under signs of parental alienation (above) for behaviours to look out for.

3. Ensure you take the high ground: never react in anger and aim to be the opposite of what the other parent is saying you are

Children can suffer long term psychological harm when exposed to parental disputes and alienation. Make sure that you and your home are the opposite of what the child is being told is true. This can be a powerful way to counteract the negative messages that the child is receiving about you (the alienated parent).

An abundance of calm, collected responses and an environment where the children can feel safe is imperative. A home free of drama, with designated spaces for a child (even if they do not have their own room) and a consistent effort to listen and understand the child’s feelings can help to undo parental alienation, or lessen the effects of it, until the child is old enough to form their own, adult opinions.

Over time, you’ll be able to build the feelings of security that are particularly important for an alienated parent to maintain. The child will have only a positive experience of the alienated parent to draw from. Whilst it can be difficult to undo all of the effects of parental alienation, doing your best to be the one on higher ground will benefit you and your child in the long run.

4. Speak to a lawyer

Working with a family counsellor or family law solicitor can help you to determine your next steps. We can also help with advice as to when mediation (or other forms of ADR) might be helpful to resolve disputes, as well as creating or varying child arrangement orders. For expert family law advice and practical solutions, get in touch with Carlsons Solicitors.