Co-parenting after divorce: effective strategies for a harmonious relationship

Divorce is very often a stressful, challenging and, sometimes, traumatic process. If children are involved, then it not only makes things more complex, but it also increases the risk and incidence of protracted and costly disputes with all the damage they entail.

That is the reason for the emergence of a much less painful and damaging alternative known as ‘co-parenting’. ‘Co-parenting is an approach that promotes a process of communication and collaboration between divorcing parents based upon the best interests of the children. The long-term aim is to establish and support a more balanced and harmonious post-divorce for the entire family.

Seeking common ground

Even in the midst of the most acrimonious and bitter of splits, there is some common ground that can be identified. After all, there were reasons why the couple got together and married in the first place and the remnants of those reasons may still exist, even if the relationship itself has soured. But the divorced parents may be able to agree on things such as education or other activities for the children and that is a good starting point for building some consensus. If the children are old enough to communicate their wishes, then getting their input into the process can also be very helpful.

Setting and maintaining boundaries

Divorce usually entails each party starting out on building a new life for themselves. It is sensible for each party to use this time to establish their own boundaries. That starts with identifying anything that makes either party resentful or angry. Once boundaries have been identified and set, then these should be communicated to the other party in a respectful and diplomatic way. Setting and maintaining boundaries, such as how often ex-in-laws can see the children, provides a basis for a set of co-parenting rules. These make it less likely that emotional situations will arise and more likely to form the basis of a working relationship.

Keep the interests of the children at the forefront

Bickering, bruised egos and pride can all lead to bitter recriminations and a seemingly self-perpetuating process of mutual antagonism. In all of that, the best interests of the children are often overlooked or even forgotten entirely. That is why the process of co-parenting revolves around the most important things, which are the health, welfare and happiness of the children. Both parties are encouraged to keep this in the forefront of their minds and reflect on the way in which runaway personal acrimony or hurt feelings can completely occlude all the other really important considerations. So, divorcing couples should be encouraged to keep things in perspective and not let their own egos take precedence over the welfare of the children.

Empathy and openness

For some divorcing couples, embracing empathy and openness may seem to be an all but impossible task. However, it is entirely possible to do so.

This can feel impossible – when you’re already hurting, the last thing you want to do is call on your better nature. But try to come to conversations with your ex from a place of kindness and cordiality. You don’t have to agree with your ex but you can try to put yourself in their shoes before reacting to their request. You don’t have to be best friends but try to participate in conversations and interactions with a baseline level of kindness. It really does make a world of difference.

What’s more, assume positive intent whenever you possibly can. This means that whatever the other person is doing, try to assume that they are doing it for a good reason or because they really do have good intentions. Viewing interactions from this perspective, rather than out of suspicion and hurt, can really help avoid unnecessary battles that can poison any chance of a good outcome.

Don’t go it alone

For many people who are going through a painful divorce, loneliness can be an exacerbating factor. Feeling that you’re up against it, alone and with nobody in your corner, can make it much more difficult to think clearly and avoid negative emotions. For these reasons, divorcing parents should avoid isolating themselves. Instead, they can and should seek out support from whomever it may be available. Seek support from family members, friends, support groups for single parents and, perhaps, consider a good therapist or co-parenting counsellor as well. There are even co-parenting classes available for help and support.

Divorcing parents who wish to adopt a co-parenting approach also have the option of seeking legal and practical advice from an experienced family lawyer who can help the co-parenting process to start and progress with sensitive and objective guidance.

For further information and trusted legal advice regarding divorce and children law, get in touch with us at Carlsons Solicitors.